Today is the 13th National Spank Out Day USA.
Welcome to the Spank Out Day 2012 CarnivalThis post was written for inclusion in the Second Annual Spank Out Day Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Spank Out Day was created by The Center for Effective Discipline to give attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on April 30th each year, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Practically every professional organization in the U.S. and Canada that is concerned with education and proper development of children, has taken a public stance against the practice of spanking.
While I believe families have the right to choose how to parent their child, I don’t believe that humiliation, hurt and pain can be considered parenting or parenting tools. Children have the right to be treated with respect, dignity and a life free of violence. Spanking is disrespectful and has the potential to become abusive. Unfortunately, there are still some untruths about spanking that are being shared among parents and so-called experts.
If you are reading here, then you probably already know the value of a positive parenting relationship, but perhaps at times we all wonder, falter or need the words to back up our decisions.
Here are some thoughts on three common untruths of spanking:
- “Untruth #1: Spanking, given with fairness, love and care, is an effective discipline technique.
Spanking hurts. No matter what, the intention of a spanking is for a child to feel pain. The flawed argument is that the pain will make them learn. If one does something with the intent to hurt someone, then it is not loving or caring. The root of the word “discipline” means “to teach”, not hurt or shame. Therefore spanking cannot be fair, loving or a caring technique. If an adult over-charged his credit card, even knowing they will not have enough money to pay for the charge at the end of the month (so deliberately doing something they know is not the best choice) and the bank manager came over to spank that adult so they finally learned to manage their finances, it would be called assault. Even if a child picks up a vase and smashes it down deliberately, it means the child is angry and upset, and needs someone to listen, empathize. The child needs to be taught how to handle anger and overwhelm. Spanking the child does not teach such skills.
- “Untruth #2: Certain behaviors can only be managed with spanking.
Children of all ages make mistakes, behave in ways that baffle us and upset us. From throwing tantrums, to hitting, biting, kicking, lying and stealing, running into the street, there are positive alternatives for dealing with every possible scenario. A parent can choose positive discipline tools, gentle parenting strategies, working with a coach or health professional, taking a parenting course, reading parenting books and websites. If a parent has tried every type of discipline and the child is still not changing their behavior it would be best to ask help from a pediatrician or counselor for assistance.
- “Untruth#3: Once children are old enough to understand “no,” they are old enough for a spanking.
Once a child is old enough to understand “no” they are also old enough to understand “yes”, “I love you”, “let’s try something else”, “please” and much more…In a positive atmosphere, children can learn the value of cooperation, empathy, natural consequences and problem solving, much more valuable life lessons than a sore behind and a hurt soul.
When parents turn to Spanking, they typically do so out of a combination of anger, frustration, tiredness, despair and/or fear.
So what are some alternatives to Spanking?
- Be pro-active: Create a safe environment and circumstances in which your child(ren) can succeed. Child-proof the home, encourage healthy sleep habits, provide ample opportunities for your child to play, explore and burn energy.
- Set routines: The more predictability for you and your child(ren) the better you can navigate your day and the daily grind.
- Set guidelines: Along with routines, children thrive within a frame of guidelines and limits. Most families choose non-negotiable limits such as “no hitting/hurting/teasing/bullying”. Additionally, families can design guidelines that align with their own values and needs.
- Adjust your expectations: Know what your child(ren) is capable of doing based on their age, developmental stage and individual abilities. Whatever the situation, adjusting your expectations will help reduce frustration for all.
- Encourage and Involve: Keep your children involved, let them participate in daily life with household tasks, welcome their ideas, encourage their participation in family decisions. Children need encouragement just as much as they need healthy meals, rest and hugs.
- Model the behavior you wish to see: Children learn so much from observation, the more you demonstrate how to do things (how to handle anger, how to share, how to be kind for example) the more a child will wish to do the same.
- Prepare and practice: When going somewhere that has certain expectations and rules, like an airplane, talking about and practicing those skills ahead of time helps children remember what they are expected to do.
- Take 2, 3 & 10: Much like a movie being filmed and needing several takes, we all need a second, third and possibly a tenth take to get things right. So go ahead, take a deep breath and allow your child to try again, and again and again.
- Questions & Choices: Giving choices, asking questions and inviting a child to participate in the decision making process can help everyone feel involved, respected and heard. Instead of commanding and demanding which leads to defensiveness and “defiance” aim for cooperation and involvement.
- Have family meetings: Set time aside every week to check in with the whole family, talk about what is going well and what could be done differently, then do something fun together. Learn more here.
11. When all else seems to be failing and you think you might strike?
Make sure everyone is in a safe place and/or ask someone to help you. Count to ten, twenty or one hundred, whatever number you need. Go into a room by yourself and release your emotions, cry, yell into a pillow, take deep breaths, do what you need to do until you are ready to deal with the situation at hand with a cool head.
You only get to live each phase of your child’s life, right there, in that moment, that one time.Being pro-active, involving your child and providing a safe environment in which they can thrive is the biggest gift you can give them.
Please share this to spread awareness about Spank Out Day! Together we can really make a difference in the lives of children everywhere.
Peace & Be Well,
Mudpiemama
Are you committed to parenting in a positive way? Have you taken the Positive Parenting Promise?
Come join the growing community at the Positive Parenting Connection on Facebook for daily inspiration, ideas and resources.
Additional Reading:
If not punishment, Then what?
The Debate on Spanking is Dead By James C. Talbot
Four Alternatives to Punishment
Why Punishment will not make children behave.
22 Alternatives to Punishment by Jane Hunt
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On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #SpankOutCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Spank Out Day Carnival Twitter List and Spank Out Day Carnival Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- Redirecting the Impulse to Spank Amy W. shares at Natural Parents Network about her experience redirecting the impulse to spank, and encourages all parents to respond with sensitivity and redirect anger before it becomes harmful.
- Perspective is Everything Patti at Canadian Unschooler learns to heal from the trauma caused by the childhood death of her sister, and gains a deeper understanding of her own mother’s love for her as a child.
- Remembering and Recharging Emily at The Other Baby Blog shares how she refocuses her mindset during high-stress times.
- Does spanking work? Megan at TheBehavioralChild lists the five reasons why spanking doesn’t work.
- Love is All There Is: A Spank Out Day Post Tree at Mom Grooves shares her thoughts about needing to find a way to discipline her 5 year old that could give her daughter the boundaries she is craving while still treating her with only love and respect.
- Discipline isn’t SOmething You Do; Discipline is SOmething You Have Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children questions how parents can expect their children to show self-control if they, themselves, do not exhibit self-discipline.
- No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left? Sheila at A Living Family shares that though spanked as a child herself, she has made efforts towards an alternative approach to setting limits.
- Forgiveness is possible; loving others in a way that works for us Kelly Hogaboom finds that if we are to raise our children in a humane fashion, we must first recognize our own humanity.
- Dear Daniel, (On Discipline and Love) Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son about the many choices we have in life: how we treat people, how we parent, and how we use our bodies in the process.
- Spanking: A Day to Consider Our Muddy Boots recognizes that some see a difference between abuse and spanking, and maybe today is a day that we can consider some other perspectives and utilize available resources to make different choices.
- Mutual Respect Sithyogini at Very Nearly Hippy learns how mutual respect between parents and children leads to peaceful parenting.
- What Is the Difference Between Spanking and Abuse? You know what is difficult? Trying to explain the difference between spanking and abuse to a child. Dionna at Code Name: Mama can understand the confusion.
- I Hit My Kids and Now Begins The Real Work To Heal The Honesty Conspiracy hosts this powerful, anonymous story about how it’s never too late to start on a different approach to spanking.
- How To Talk To Parents About Gentle Alternatives To Spanking Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares some useful ways to discuss the often divisive issue of spanking.
- Spank Out Day: 3 Untruths and 11 Alternatives to Spanking MudpieMama at Positive Parenting Connection breaks down 3 of the biggest myths about spanking and shares a list of effective gentler discipline alternatives.
- What Spanking Taught Me Meg at MommyStoleTheSugar explains the spankee’s perspective and how it has affected her disciplining choices as a parent.
- A Memory of Spanking Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores her own upbringing and how it has affected her and why she is changing the way she relates to her children.
Image: Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Ariadne Brill
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“Spanking does not need to enter the equation, not even as a last resort.”
What if the child has a weapon?
Or if he/she is hurting others without paying any attention to what people is saying to her/him.
I find this view that spanking is always unacceptable ridicule, it is the morally equivalent to saying that spanking is always acceptable. Moral absolutism at its best, and more often than not spoken by people that have been lucky enough to have well behaved children.
You think tantrums, biting and kicking are the worst 7 year old can do? There are many times when you have to stop the misbehavior in the moment not let it cool down unless you want to answer for your child assault charges.
Alec, what you write leads me to ask, where is the child getting a weapon from and what is happening in this child’s life that he finds the need to use a weapon? This is an extreme choice for a child to make and one that shows the child needs help. If a child had a weapon yes, he should be stopped, but it is not spanking that will stop him. Using violence and hitting will also not teach a child in this situation the right coping mechanisms or self regulation to deal with his behavior difficulties. Children that exhibit such aggression and difficulty with their emotions needs help and not to be further hurt. Any family that has such a situation with a child that is hurting himself,others or reaching for weapons should turn to their pediatrician, health provider, local authorities or counseling center for immediate assistance.
Interesting article but I disagree with your main point. I am a true parenting expert, not a professional. As a parent of eight and grandmother of eight I think my opinion has some validity.I think it was quite loving,fair and effective to have spanked my kids. No surprise to my kids but certain offences would be met with a certain number of spanks,such as; deliberately hurting one another(which rarely occurred) or direct disobedience. I don’t believe it is unloving or unfair to use spanking as part of your discipline/correction process and it did work. I believe at times it even kept my kids from harm. While it may seem to you spanking and deliberately hurting are the same they are not. One is done in anger, the other loving correction. I do believe parents who can’t control themselves should not spank. Your bank analogy doesn’t work as the banker has no authority over the adult nor anything like the parents responsibility to their child. Clearly using inflammatory words like, assault to describe a spanking is extreme. Most parents who spank don’t beat or assault their children. Does it happen? Yes. There are parents who do these things and as a proponent of spanking I believe they are wrong,criminal even.
2.About your point-“Be proactive”-Most pre-schools and day cares today have the “safe environment” and opportunities for children to play you advocate. There purpose is to be child safe, healthy places for the children. In fact they exist just to focus on caring for the children. Yet, are the children growing up in these environments growing up to be healthier,wiser,safer,more compassionate,kind and loving people than the generations before them?
Maria,
Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts and experiences.
Our information is based on the latest research on child development and parent-child relationships. These studies look at thousands of families and take many factors into consideration. There are more than a dozen retrospective studies that involve thousands of families (so not just 8) that show there are in fact negative effects of spanking and corporal punishment.
In these scientific studies, researchers were able to find a link as to how spanking relates to the development of externalizing behaviors such as aggression, antisocial behaviors and conduct difficulties and children that lack self-regulation skills.
The studies also show that parents that receive parent education and learn pro.active strategies for teaching children conflict resolution (so they don’t harm a sibling) and other ways of managing behavior do raise children that are more confident, able to manage their emotions and do not have conduct difficulties.
So yes, most children growing up in healthy environments are healthier, safer and more compassionate than those raised in adversarial environments.