What is the difference between a time out and time in? Is one better than the other?
Sometimes positive discipline tools can seem similar to the traditional discipline tactics. Often people say it’s just semantics. What sets the positive tools apart from punitive discipline is not only the way in which they are presented to the child but also the intent (non punitive) and aim of the parents in using the tools.
Let’s look at the differences between time out and time in:
The traditional time out is when a child is told to go somewhere (like a chair or facing a wall), alone for a determined number of minutes. Often parents are told to withhold attention and ignore any cries or requests from the child when using a time out.
Although the time out tactic can potentially prevent a behavior from occurring in the moment it can also make children feel abandoned, rejected, frightened and confused. Time outs are vastly popular and are preferred to harsher traditional discipline tactics like spanking but it does not actually help children learn to regulate their emotions or help them learn moral values like right from wrong. Often, time outs lead to more power struggles.
Some clues that time out is not actually working:
*You feel the need to place your child in time out daily, sometimes hourly.
*When the child is in time out she repeatedly asks when she can get up.
*When the child is running away at the mention or threat of time out.
* You feel the need to place your child in time out for every thing they are dong “wrong”.
*When you find yourself using time out for the same offense over and over again.
*You get angrier and angrier as you struggle to get your child to quiet down so you can start the timer.
There are many alternatives to Time Out and one of these alternatives is the Time IN:
The Positive parenting tool called time IN or positive time out is when a child that is having a difficult moment is kindly invited to sit somewhere, near by a care giver to express their feelings and eventually cool down.
During the time in, parents are encouraged to empathize with the child’s feelings and often just quiet connection is all that is needed until the storm has passed. It doesn’t mean that you must let your child continue with a behavior that is inappropriate. The time in gives you the opportunity to really connect and then address whatever change needs to be made.
Some of the reasons Time IN or positive time out works:
*children are likely to feel that their needs are being considered
*there can be connection between parent and child before a correction is presented
*children are given time to properly process a range of feelings
*parents don’t feel out of control or create a power struggle to keep child in the time out.
*children don’t feel isolated, shamed or scared
*It gives parent and children an opportunity to talk about the real issue at hand
Here is an example of how Time In can work:
Recently at the swimming pool, one of the children I was looking after decided to do some diving in an area of the pool that was very shallow. After the first time I observed this asked kindly that the child find either a new swim move to do in that section or choose a deeper section in which to dive. Excited and bounding with energy, the child worked on some new moves for a few minutes and then she proceeded to dive again in the shallow area.
The excitement of the pool and the urge to dive was making it really difficult for the child to follow the pool safety rules. I told her calmly we would be stepping out of the pool together so we could chat. I acknowledged she was having lots of fun and let her know she could return to the pool soon and extended a hand so we could walk together.
We sat at the edge of the pool for about a minute. First I asked if she was having fun and she told me about her favorite parts of the swimming pool. Then I asked if she knew why we were taking a little break. “Because I was diving in the small water”. I told her I cared about her and her health and that diving in the shallow water could really harm her. She asked if she could try again, this time where the water was right for diving. We quickly talked about the water safety rules and she promised to follow them this time around. We were able to enjoy the pool for the rest of the afternoon and there was no more diving in the shallow water.
Might the result have been the same if I had told the child to “Get out of the pool and sit on that chair for 5 minutes” – well maybe, but certainly nobody would feel very good about it.
It can certainly be difficult and even annoying to parent during times when children are being defiant, testing limits, pushing our buttons and being challenging. Sure there are times when taking a break from each other will be advisable. The aim of a time out though doesn’t have to be to create struggle, it can really be a time for everyone to cool off, regroup and reconnect.
Do you use time outs? time ins? a mix of both?
I have never and will never use time outs. I’d even go so far as to say they make me angry! My children range from age 5 to 21 and the method I’ve always used and found to be very effective has been Time in, although that’s not what we call it. Taking the child, sitting him/her on my lap (not the 21 year old!) cuddling them and talking with them about it. Usually just having a physical connection with me is enough to change their behaviour. I found the more you put in when they’re under 3, the less you have to do as they get older. They just ‘get’ that they are cared about and respected and therefore don’t need to act out to get attention. My friends and family, on the otherhand, that do use time out, seem to need to use it more and more frequently and yet their children’s behaviour seems to get worse and worse!
My theory has always been, love on a physical or emotional level is always what a child needs and it works for me.
Thanks Angie for sharing your experience, I think it’s great for families to hear about other families and their experience with positive approaches to parenting and how it has worked for them!
We did not use time-out when our son was very little, but we do use it now–he’s 7. I can’t see time-in as a feasible replacement because we are disciplining him for doing one or more of these things:
a) persistently interfering with something that really needs to get done now
b) repeatedly interrupting adult conversation by talking loudly about an unrelated subject and then shrieking, “YOU’RE INTERRUPTING!!!” if anyone attempts to resume speaking
c) being rude and disrespectful to an extent that really hurts parental feelings.
When he is behaving like this, we cannot get him to cooperate with a conversation like yours at the pool; he will change the subject, act silly, insult us, and/or pull away to resume the misbehavior or any other aggravating thing he can find to do. At other times he is quite a pleasant, articulate child, but he gets into these strange moods and seems to need a “reset” that can be obtained only from time-out, so far as we’ve discovered.
He often resists going to time-out, so we use the policy that the time doesn’t begin until he’s there and we’ll add 5 minutes every time he protests or comes out. I DON’T LIKE DOING THIS because it feels so negative, but once he finally cooperates he does come out humbled and ready to try again at behaving reasonably.
We’ve had some success with preventing these bad spells by taking care to give him a chance to talk and show him that his ideas are heard; being careful that he gets enough food, water, and rest; and anticipating that he’s likely to spin out of control as a special event comes to an end. But once the awful behavior starts, it seems the only way to stop it is a hard consequence, either time-out or taking away TV time or (when relevant) the object he is misusing.
We feel that we as parents need the time-out too because we feel so angry about his behavior that we are not ready to speak calmly and pleasantly with him for a while.
If you have any suggestions for more positive tactics with a 7-year-old, I’d love to hear them! I read the alternatives you linked, but those are for toddlers.
Becca – I hear you. 7 is a challenging age. All three instances that you describe sound like misguided efforts to get your attention. A few positive discipline tools for dealing with that are – like you already do, time to cool off, sounds just like time out but over time the intent would be that you can ask “would cooling off on your own be helpful for you right now?” – another way is to be proactive, with the things that must be done, make sure he is aware, give him a bit of a time line (not that you have to justify everything, more so that he is aware, “i will be busy for the next half hour” Trust him to figure something out to do in that time or if needed you can add “what is YOUR plan for the next half hour” and another tool is involvement. seeing whatever part of your task your son may want to help with. this inspired me to write up a post on the undue attention and alternatives for the older children so I will post it as soon as I get a chance!
thank you for sharing your experience!
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Time-outs can be so tempting but, like you, I’ve found that time-ins are often so much more useful. We are most likely to have fighting (for attention) when my husband and I are trying to talk with each other. When we’re all around we’ll often use the ‘family time in’ and sit down together. One or the other of my children usually resists but it’s a little like a sit-down strike. My husband and I just sit down and wait for our children to join us. We’re not going anywhere else until they do. And, hey, if they do run off and leave us totally alone? That’s probably what we wanted in the first place anyway.
Oh I love that idea about finally being alone
we use family time-ins as well!
Oh I love that idea about finally being alone
we use family time-ins as well!
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I am from mexico, i’ve recently discovered positive parenting, I bought your book, im trying to change, I was the kind of mother who says …. do as I say because I am in charge, because I say so, because I am your mother and the more I pushed them the worst the result, I ended up yealling, punishing, threatening, and spanking, I was trying to break up their will… in only 3 weeks that i’ve been “practicing” PP … well kind of … I am still working on me a lot, I can see its really working, even teachers in school can see a change specially in my son JP 6, sometimes I receive answers I’d never heard before like, “ok mom”, “yes mom”, I have anothe boy LM 9 and a girl MJ of 3, everything is flowing better now, I’ve talked about your book and your blog to all my friends.
But there is a time of the day when I dont know what to do or how to approach to my middle son JP of 6 years a very stong-willing boy because I know he is kind of challenging me, and the worst thing is that my little girl is starting to do the same and that time is mealtime, in Mexico we have “lunch” with the family at 2:00 pm when they come back from school and that is his worst time for JP and even when I try to prevent the explosion cooking his favorite meal, start a conversation about the school, how was their day and give him a little bit more of the attention I feel he is trying to get, he “sits” on the table and starts saying silly things or calling names to his brother LM 9 (with the one I’ve always had a hard time “making” him to eat and my attention “was” always on him because he eats just a few things and in a very little portion, he is very thin, etc.etc. I think I finally broke that circle with him, taking the attention “from the food” to the kids) but I think that could be the reason his brother JP who eats everything that gets to his hands since a baby is trying to get my attention but I don’t know what else to say or do to prevent those things to happen because he starts sitting with his feet on the table, eats with his hands, I’ve tried asking him to behave or leave upstairs, tried to make mealtime fun, I’ve tried ignoring the bad behavior and focusing on the conversation, what has worked because he finishes and ask for permission to leave, the mayor problem that I see is that he is not getting the message that i am trying to send that he is as important as his brother not only during mealtime, and his little sister follows him a lot so now she is standing up and fooling around during lunch just like his brother, sometimes they end up playing running around the table !!!! And I can’t ignore, and LM is looking at me like saying “are you going to do something mom ??” So I have to continuously ask JP and MJ to sit down, stop eating like that because that behavior is not permitted on the table, And when I say we don’t talk to eachother like that or we don’t eat like that in this family he answers “yes we do” and continues with the behavior, so I always end up losing it and sitting MJ 3 on her chair who ends up in tears, and that has been the hardest time for me. Sometimes when his father gets on time to eat with us things flow easier because JP is deeply conected with him, and even when I feel I am connecting better with him now, he comes to my arms to receive a hug and a kiss, he is finishing homework on time, his answering back less, he is WANTING to cooperate a little more, he is not DEAF MOM anymore, but at this time of the day I don’t know what to do !!!!!!! Please help meeeee !!!
hi erika that’s great that they’re responding so well in just 3 weeks! it’s a big step just to realize you need to change something & think how well they could be doing in 3 months, or even 3 years! just stick with it & try to be positive about it. it does sound stressful but if he’s a headstrong 6 yr old it’s going to take more than 3 wks of positive parenting to.. for lack of a better word.. ”erase” the 6 years of negative parenting. i know it’s hard to change a parenting style esp at at those ages because i’m sure the kids are a little confused about why mommy is being this way lately & i’m sure they’re testing you because of it. it’s likely because it’s so different & a good change..so they need to be confident you are going to KEEP up with the PP & not revert back to the negative. they need to feel secure in the positive attention so he could be testing how far he can push to see if you really do stick to the new PP style or get frustrated go back to yelling, spanking etc.. so try to avoid that at all costs.
also i’m guessing that’s the worst time bc when kids have to come home from school to eat they must be very tired. it’s draining to go to school & even more so to have to go back once you’ve been home for a while so i would try to gather your inner strength & patience for that time. plus maybe you could ask to talk to your 6 yr old alone before the meal & say i love you, i see you’ve been trying better to be good & i have too so we’re in this together & then ask him how he feels or why that time is stressful etc maybe he will tell you. maybe do this everyday & just ask how he is & give him a hug. maybe you could take each of the kids on a special outing with you alone (not based on good behavior just so they can have your attention individually). & then as separate thing offer to give little rewards for good behavior.. instead of consequences for negative behavior. i think you’re right that they all just want more positive attention so just try to give it as much as you can
We used time out with my daughter and it was a positive thing for us. She is very much an introvert. When she is stressed or overwhelmed she needs a break from people. It was a time for her to refocus. It was never done in a negative way, we just told her she needed to stop and sit quietly. This reduced her stress/ anxiety level which was what was behind the bad behavior to begin with. I’m sure time in is great for a lot of kids, but all kids are different and for introverts I believe it could add more stress.
Meghan, thank you for sharing your experience with using time outs as a way to pause and cool off. Interestingly enough, my introverted child is the one that benefits the most from time in here. I think our different children are a really good example of how each family or parent-child pair benefits from trying out and figuring out what works best for them since we are all so unique. I appreciate you sharing what works for you and for stopping by! Wishing you well.
A better approach of this article would be the application of WHEN to use time out and when you could try this bells & whistle Time IN. Like Becca stated (kudos to you!) it is absolutely appropriate to instruct a child to be alone when they are behaving in an inappropriate way. I do not believe that I should make my child feel good about themselves WHEN I’m disciplining them. Being alone or Time Out is supposed to make the child feel bad and thereby encouraging them to want to correct their behavior so they can rejoin the group/activity. The conversation comes after the time out – when their behavior is appropriate and you reward them by releasing them. NOTE: The swimmer girl was already told her actions were wrong & unsafe – it wasn’t like she didn’t know – she even admitted it! But yay, let’s sit and chat about it and then not get any punishment for disobeying and just go play more! Seriously?
Yes seriously Moma that disagrees! The reason being is that children do better when they feel better and encouraged. The higher the level of connection a child feels to their caregiver the more likely they are to cooperate with a request. Positive Parenting is based on the knowledge that children do not need to be punished in order to change their behavior, in fact quite the opposite, when children are given time to reflect, correct their own mistakes and feel positive regard from their caregiver or parent they are more able to follow directions and remember what is appropriate behavior, no need to make anyone feel bad. Research in child development and child psychology shows us over and over again that children learn best from positive interactions, not negative ones. Thank you for adding your experience and opening the door for this important discussion.