Ideas for Implementing Consequences in a Non-Punitive Matter.
By Kelly Bartlett, CPDPE
Throughout our endeavors in positive parenting, the terms “natural consequences” and “logical consequences” are frequently tossed around. It is helpful to understand the differences between natural consequences and logical consequences, as well as to understand when a response is punitive. Parenting with Positive Discipline means striving to use natural consequences before anything else; they are effective at giving children valuable learning experiences while also preserving the integrity of the parent-child relationship.
The use of logical consequences is a popular parenting technique, but it can be risky. A logical consequence is supposed to be one that “fits” with the circumstances, however this leaves a lot of room for interpretation. What one parent may consider a logical consequence for misbehavior, another might find too punitive. When parents experience difficult behavior from children and their emotions are running strong, it becomes very easy to turn what is intended as a logical consequence into a punishment.
So what makes a consequence truly logical? As a general rule of thumb, if you have to think too hard about what to do to a child so that he learns a lesson, the logical consequence is most likely a punishment in disguise. To ensure that logical consequences don’t become punitive, first try to figure out what the natural consequence is. We can do this by taking ourselves out of the situation. “What would happen if I stepped out of this and let my child handle this problem?” Would there be a natural challenge she would have to deal with on her own? That might be a valuable learning experience for her.
Sometimes, though, a problem requires a parent’s involvement, in which case what we can do is to focus on solutions. Think of difficult behavior not as a lesson to be learned, but a problem to be solved. Consider, “What do we need to do to solve this problem?” rather than, “What do I need to do so that my child learns a lesson?”
When coming up with possible solutions to a problem, make sure that they follow the 4 Rs:
Related—the consequence must be related to the behavior.
A child tries out his new markers…directly on the kitchen floor. A related consequence is that he must wash the marker off the floor. An unrelated consequence would be if he were required to go sit in his room or had his dessert taken away for that evening.
Respectful—the consequence must be kindly enforced; no blame, shame, or pain.
Respectful: “Here’s a wet rag so that you can wipe the marker off the floor.”
Disrespectful: “Look what you did! I can’t believe you colored marker all over the floor, specifically when I told you not to! You better clean this mess up NOW.”
Reasonable—the consequence is in proportion to the problem.
Reasonable: The child needs to wash the marker off the floor.
Unreasonable: The child needs to wash the entire kitchen floor.
Revealed in advance—allow the child to know what will happen if a certain behavior occurs.
“Please keep the marker on the paper. You’ll have to clean up any marker that gets on the floor.”
Something else that helps keep a consequence from becoming punitive is to give a child choice in the matter, and to ask for their input in solving a problem. The choices a child is offered should always follow the 4 Rs above.
You can either get a spray bottle and a rag, or use a wet sponge. Which would you like to use to clean this? Do you have another idea for how you could clean this up? Would you like me to help by getting a wet towel for you?
When using positive discipline, we try for natural consequences first, and approach the use of logical consequences conscientiously. We can ensure that these “consequences” are truly relevant and respectful and not an arbitrary punishment in disguise by instead approaching them as solutions. Our relationships with our children will benefit from the kindness and firmness of this positive discipline style, as well as from the cooperation and respect we demonstrate to our kids.
Kelly Bartlett is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator and the author of “Encouraging Words for Kids”. She blogs about her own endeavors in positive parenting at Parenting From Scratch.